ICTworks

WASHINGTON, D.C. – For Immediate Release – Today USAID has responded to the foreign policy prescriptions of the Republican presidential nominee and future president, Donald J Trump, in line with USAID’s longstanding commitment to work with transition teams even before the Supreme Court decides the election.

“If there’s one thing we know we need, it’s agility,” said USAID Administrator Gayle Smith. “Even as we persist through long transitions and pursue a patient path to lasting progress, we must move swiftly to seize opportunities when they arise… That means we need to adapt our systems and institutions for a rapidly changing world.”

A Mutual Expenditure Approach

Core to Trump’s approach is the commitment to “Make America Great Again,” through a dramatic reimagining of the current model of international development, moving from one-way assistance to a mutual-expenditure approach. USAID is responding to this plan by ensuring that each tranche of American aid will be met with a counter-investment in the US by the recipient country.

“USAID committed $639 million dollars to support programs in Nigeria in FY15,” said Administrator Smith. “Under the new policy, the Nigerian government will be compelled to spend at least $639 million on goods and services from over 40 US companies, so every American can feel the benefits of international assistance.”

USAID will establish a Geographic Code 419 for US services for Nigerians, including domestic US tourism, such as hotel stays in Washington, DC and enhanced online privacy, such as having the FBI read their emails for them.

A New Focus for Democracy & Governance

USAID will continue to integrate human rights within the Agency’s overall development portfolio, with a renewed focus on bringing the “Four Huge Principles for Freedom” outlined by President-elect Trump to 100 million people across the country of Africa:

• Protecting All Freedom of Speech that Praises the President
• Preserving the Freedom to Destroy Political Parties from the Inside
• Ensuring the Freedom of Protesters to be Pummeled
• Enshrining the Freedom of Presidential Twitter Accounts

Where the government of Africa is unwilling to accept these self-evident truths, USAID will work with other US Government efforts to use information and communication technology (ICT) to recast international conflicts through the prism of a negotiation for access to US markets.

A Commitment to Cyber

USAID recognizes that the US Government is not fully leveraging its cyber assets. “We’re so obsolete in cyber,” said Trump. “We’re the ones that sort of were very much involved with the creation, but we’re so obsolete, we just seem to be toyed with by so many different countries, already.”

“USAID has always had cyber in its thought process,” said Administrator Smith. “The Agency hosts the Digital Development team within the U.S. Global Development Lab, and today I have renamed it the Cyber Development team. This first step to cyber-relevance will be accompanied by replacing the 11,100 current mentions of “digital” on the USAID website, with “cyber” as of COB today.”

USAID will also create an Acting Assistant Secretary for Cyber to find ways developing countries can benefit from the digital cyber economy with locally-appropriate cyber approaches, such as GPS sensors to track Muslims, loser-seeking drones, and “ray guns” for vaporizing fat people.

An Innovative Approach to Poverty Reduction

USAID has worked for 55 years to end extreme poverty, and until the World Bank changed the metric to $1.25 per day in 2005, US Government efforts were well on their way to achieving this goal through inflation alone. Today, USAID is working with innovative innovators innovating innovation to co-create scalable solutions that are sustainable beyond a single buzzword hype cycle. One approach that shows promise to rid the world of poverty is to get rid of poor people.

“All these years from Washington we’ve been hearing about a ‘war on poverty’, and it’s just talk,” said Trump. “Just the other day I was watching TV and they showed a picture of a poor person! We still have them. You are never going to fix poverty as long as you have poor people. It’s basic math. Get rid of poor people, you get rid of poverty,”

Thankfully, as Trump has also pointed out, poor people are morons. That is why USAID is proud to announce the development of hermetically sealed domes will totally cover poor countries. These domes will restrict 1.5 billion poor people to special photographic opportunities until they can prove they have become wealthy. Opportunities for wealth creation inside the domes include making head wear, dog warmers, and diminutive gloves.

A Solution to the Refugee Crises in Europe

In alignment with President-elect Trumps’ views on Syrian refugees, USAID will move quickly to create a refugee wall spanning the length of “respectable” Europe. Starting at the Mediterranean Sea in France, the wall will define the southern and eastern borders of France, Switzerland, Austria, and Germany before ending in the Baltic Sea. The Trump Curtain will be paid for by a tax on indignant Italian tweets.

In coordination with the United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agency, USAID will create a second wall along the US/Mexico border, built entirely with Facebook Likes from all six of Trump’s women supporters.

A Respect for Women

Women represent half the global population, yet women comprise less than 20 percent of the world’s legislators. Thanks to the initiative of Donald Trump, the USA will continue to be a leader in male-dominated legislative bodies. USAID is sensitive to this trend and will work with President Trump to ensure that women follow First Lady Melania Trump’s example to achieve gender-based success.

About USAID

USAID is the lead U.S. Government agency that works to end extreme global poverty and enable resilient, democratic societies to realize their potential. Spending less than 1 percent of the total federal budget, USAID works in over 100 countries to carry out U.S. foreign policy by promoting broad-scale human progress at the same time it expands stable, free societies, creates markets and trade partners for the United States, and fosters good will abroad.

Contact: USAID Office of April Fools
Twitter: @USAID_AprilFools