Washington, DC. – For Immediate Release, April 1, 2024: Today, Elon Musk announced that he will personally fund the entire US Foreign Assistance budget, including the new United States Agency for International Humanitarian Assistance (USAIHA).
He will fund this effort in the way he knows best – with financial shenanigans. His new Generative AI startup, Xai, is valued at $80 billion after he used it to buy X, the shell of Twitter, in a convoluted all-stock deal between his two private companies.
Xai’s main product is Grok, a chatbot that is smart enough to identify Musk himself as a key misinformer.
He will use Xai stock to also buy USAIHA, since its now only managing $8.3 billion, and finally focus it on solving problems for the future of humanity. The multi-billion financing package is pocket change for the man who personally spent a few hundred million dollars to buy the US presidency.
While showcasing new Tesla vehicles at the White House, he said:
People should pursue what they’re passionate about. That will make them happier than pretty much anything else. For me it was never about money, but solving problems for the future of humanity. I don’t care about the economics at all.
Musk then retired to bathe in $100 bills at the DOGE headquarters in Washington, DC. There, he engaged in a frank discussion about political leaders with key DOGE staffer ‘Big Balls’ Edward Coristine. Musk was overheard to say:
I’m not Trump’s fan. He doesn’t seem to have the sort of character that reflects well on the United States. Trump might be one of the world’s best bullshitters ever. He seems kind of nuts, but he may turn out OK.
Key to the future of USAIHA will be the use of Xai by all staff to manage contracts and adjudicate grants. Google Chat will be replaced by X tweets, which is a contentious move. It could weaken information security practices, according to National Security Adviser Mike Waltz.
Equally contentious will be armored Cybertrucks for key USAIHA staff and Starlink Internet connectivity terminals for the State Department, with instructions in Chinese and Russian. However, these issues are expected to be resolved by strict oversight by Congress, which has shown strong executive branch management since January 20th.
Finally, there are rumors that Musk will join with Jeff Bezos to fund a re-imagined USAID – the US Agency for Intergalactic Development – and re-orient NASA towards Mars colonization.
About the USAIHA
The United States Agency for International Humanitarian Assistance will be the successor to USAID, and focus on pressing global issues like combating DEI, ignoring climate change, and eliminating anti-American beliefs. It will join the Development Finance Corporation in the US State Department by this summer.
Fact or fiction? It’s IMPOSSIBLE to tell these days.
Good
I don’t know it was coming that why
It sounds good
April Fools joke. Nothing to see here other than satire.
I still don’t believe the words of Elon Musk,he is the one misadivised the president!
why not he save usaid from crise at that tome wben mamy bumanotarian rise was occured any how its besr if he act as he is telling as.We lost our job by leting many needy for nature what ever it is.
I’m not sure that using such a sensitive issue for an April Fool’s Joke is appropriate. In fact, I’m not even sure that we needed April Fool’s Day this year – nothing can compare to the idiocy in today’s politics.
Oh well, it’s probably better to laugh than to cry!
I’m not sure that using such a sensitive issue , thanks anyway